Reginald Mathis, Father of two

Seeds of self-doubt, resentment and anger are planted when the responsibility of a father is absolved. To ensure a better, more healthy path, FATHER Reginald Mathis did the work of confronting his demons... pulling the weeds of combativeness and stifled emotion to instead plant flowers of vulnerability, security and love. 

My childhood, I would say was great because my mom made it great. When I was younger, I held on to a lot of animosity because of my father not being around and got into a lot of trouble... a lot of fights but my mom made it so I always felt love. She was always putting me in events, cheerleading at my games and so she's more than a superhero. To raise two Black boys and makin sure that they’re secure, not just secure financially and emotionally but secure within themselves. My childhood could've went another way and I see a lot of people who did go other ways because of a lack of resources and a lack of love. A lot of the people I grew up with are either in jail, some have passed. We hated it but our weekends were packed. She saw the other side of it and I see it now. We didn't have time to stray, it was after school you had basketball, soccer or something and after that you had Project Mr. or something. There was something to be involved in. It allowed me to find my way and now im good in a lot of different circles. I can communicate with a lot of different people. Because of that foundation that she gave me and saying you’re not just going to be an athlete, you’re going to be involved in poetry, you’re going to be involved in plays, in a lot of different things. A lot of people I knew didn't have that and I thank her for just seeing the roadblocks that were ahead and making sure we were fine. 

My father was around until right before I went to kindergarten and as a kid you don't know how to voice those frustrations so a lot of times I was just angry. I knew why I was angry but didnt know how to express it. At my 12th or 13th birthday, I got his number and invited him to a basketball game. He didn't show. At that point it was like ‘Aw man, he doesn't really want to be involved.’ And you know, you don't know how to kind of reconcile with those feelings of you want him involved because you see other players whose dads are pushing them or after practice their dad is there with them and you want that. 

It was little things too, just asking for new shoes. I would get one new pair of shoes a year, and it was always around basketball time. My mom couldn't afford to just buy a ton of new shoes. I would wear those shoes down and I would ask him once like hey could you just get me some new shoes for Christmas so I can wear those for the spring season and he said, ‘Well, I’ll see and of course it didn't come through. It was a let down because I saw my mom then having to go back in her pocket because my shoes are falling apart and he could’ve been there to help here out with that. It was a let down from what I thought a man should be and what he was able to provide. It put a hamper on my feelings toward men and it festered into some other areas and how I saw the church. The church had men but I saw the women were the hardest working and I see that the women are carrying the church and that resentment played into my distance from the church. I just looked at it like, this isn’t the way. The men aren't here talking to us so us as young people were leaning on each other and we really needed some father figures to guide us. 

But him not being there, it kind of allowed me to see what I needed to do for my son. My dad came around when I was like 20 or so and apologized but at that point I wasn’t able to accept that. But now at 33 I see where he made his mistakes and he’s reached out so it’s like how do I build that bond now? 

13-year-old Reggie, a lot of his ideas about fatherhood came from television. It was Uncle Phil and Carl Winslow. It was just like being there, being present, being the backbone of the family, not being vocal... just being quietly strong. I started to see a lot of the bad ideas about fatherhood also. Just being shiftless, a lot of portrayals are of a lazy man who has to watch the game and they got a beer and he's not involved in the happenings of the family unit. So it was combatting ideas and I’d say that 13-year-old me couldn't make way of what fatherhood is or what manhood was supposed to be. Not being vulnerable, not knowing who to lean on. Like the idea was that you gotta lean on yourself, and then you gotta build your sons like that. Your sons gotta be just as strong and involved in sports. At that time I didn't have the best view of what men are. 

College was great for me because I had older guys around that I latched on to and saw them as not only mentors but as examples of how to do it. You get the grades, you have a presence on the yard, you’re active, you have a voice. We would go to Men of Color which met every Thursday and talk about these things so that was the switch for me to see other guys who thought like me who were trying to make a way and didn't quite know how to. That shaped how I saw how men could be. Black men can be leaders, we can be vocal. We can be loud without being arrogant and be our total selves. We can be full humans. That was the start of how I viewed what my next phase of life could be and what it could turn into. 

I never thought of being a father, especially at age 22. Me and my then girlfriend, now wife, Starla - our plan was that when we graduated we would move out to L.A. We’re gonna get this thang jumpin and get our production company off the ground. It was more of, I just knew what I wanted to do career wise and college shaped me to be ready for that. I was not thinking family, marriage or any of that. I was thinking how can I tackle the world, how can I make my mark on the world. And then Cardell came into the picture. When we first found out we were pregnant, it was the scariest moment of my life. I didn't know what that meant for me and my career, me and Starla relationship wise. One of the first people I told was my frat brother, Ennis. He prayed for me and he said everything would be ok. And from there it was like, a weight was lifted off my shoulders because I knew it was another man that was just there. It allowed me to know that I wasn’t going to be in this alone. I had brothers that were going to look out and would help me if I had any struggles. I call him my brother, Jordan. He was there too and let me know that whatever I needed he would be there. From there it was, how do we get prepared for the baby? At first it was hard for me to figure out my role and how much I got involved with things like finding doctors. Starla and I had these arguments back and forth in the beginning because she felt I wasn't as involved as needed but it was just like, I don’t know what the steps were. Once we got on a common ground like, look this is where were gonna live this is what we're gonna do and even picking out a name... once we came out with Cardell Regal it was real. We started getting clothes and diapers.. Even the outpouring of family support… I knew that we weren't going to struggle. Those first couple years were hard but when you have a support system that's not going to let you fall or fail it makes it all the better. Our families even got us a place to do a baby shower. Our family and friends stepped up in ways that we can't even begin to tell them. We didn't even have to buy diapers for the first two years. The love that we got pushed us through. 

Being a father to Cardell and now my daughter Kayin, they are two different personalities. Cardell has helped me to be more empathetic. He’s a lover and me not knowing how to show that he’s helped me show it. When he cries it’s like, alright come here let me love on you, let me hug you. Kayin, she’s a fireball. She's helped me to speak to women in a way that's more nurturing. When me and Star would get into it, it would be because I’m just thinking logical and I didn’t know how to speak in a manner that would be protective of her feelings. Kayin has helped me tremendously in like just knowing how to talk, how to monitor my tone, even the way that my face looks. She would call it out and say, ‘Daddy fix your face. I don't like how you lookin.’ So, helping me to understand what im projecting.

The last two years, taking care of myself is something I’ve been very conscious of because I could see how my job was weighing on me physically and emotionally. I work with a lot of white people and just navigating the space and trying to make sure you have a job… you have to code switch constantly and it eats at you. One thing that I started doing was self checks of like, alright where am at? How do I feel? I had to be real and honest with myself before I could be honest with Star … like nah, I'm not in a good headspace right now and we can work on it together but I gotta work on it myself first. So honestly, I started checking my moods. Learning what my triggers were. Growing up, I didn’t have examples of what self-care looked like. I was mostly around guys so the energy was just different so if we’re at the park and we get into it with another group of guys you just resort to fighting. If you cry and allow someone to see you're vulnerable, people would point it out so there was no way to monitor those feelings. Aight, you gotta move on to the next. You cant let em see you cry, can’t let em see you sweat. Nobody taught you how to deal with those emotions. You feel helpless and like the only thing you can do is fight back, you can't talk it out. 

As a Black father some of the characteristics I value about myself now are that I’m able to be even kill, I had to grow into this. I'm able to laugh and have fun. People thought I was always stoic and serious and I realized it was the energy I was putting off. In social situations, I just always had my guard up. I’m a conversationalist, I can talk. We can talk about sports, politics, comic books. One of my best characteristics is that I allow people to be them, that allows me to be who I am. That's just kind of my personality. It's taken years of working on it. In the past, I would approach situations with anger that didn't need it. I had to realize in order for me to grow especially to help my son, knowing the kind of spaces that he would have to traverse and I would have to be there with him, I couldn't approach it in anger. Because he's looking to me for support. A lot of things that I quit like activities and programs I was in, if I had support like from my dad being there letting me know that crying, being frustrated and learning how to work through those emotions... I definitely know that I wouldn’t have quit. 

Being a Black father is the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done because we've had that kind of double consciousness. It’s a gift and a curse, right? You gotta know how to navigate the spaces but I know how because of the people I’ve been around. What the world doesn't know is that there's a weight on you and sometimes you feel like it's never enough. Sometimes you feel like you don’t know where you’re going to get the energy but it's beautiful just being able to connect. We have a certain culture and a certain way about us. I wouldn't want to be anything else. Being a Black father is beautiful and I'm able to now pass on some traditions and messages to my son and daughter that they will be able to take and grow with. Its special.