Derrick Johnson, Father of five
Biblical scripture speaks to the karmic phenomenon of generational curses. The sins of the father being cast upon the son. FATHER Derrick Johnson’s past has become his heartbreaking present. His desire to reframe the narrative of his own manhood and fatherhood has become the anchor to his healing.
Coming up, I was raised by my grandparents. My father was around but he wasn’t. He was on drugs for a while. Once he got off of them he got remarried, had a daughter and moved away but he would come around for punishment if we was in trouble, me and my two brothers. He wasn't too involed. As a kid I don’t think it mattered, or I cared. I was living with my grandfather and them so I was in the neighborhood, hanging with people and got into the streets so I don’t know how much it really mattered or that I cared about it then. Most of the people I was around, they didn’t have their fathers so I felt like my grandfather was my father and if I needed anything I could talk to him. He showed me work ethic, he was there for the family he was what a father was supposed to be as a provider, not too much emotional wise because he wasn't a big talker. He was just straight forward. He took care of me and my brothers, my aunties and uncles and none of us were his children. We were step-kids as we would say. What I took from him was all good. You did whatever it took to take care of your family, no matter what. You let your wife girlfriend or whatever take care of the house. Work hard wherever you are, do your best and don't half-ass nothin.
I got introduced to the street life when I was 11 or 12. For me, everybody I was hangin with, we were just in the neighborhood and seeing other people...one or two of your friends start doing it and then three or four people as far as sellin drugs. What we considered gangs, it was just us with each other, we was just labeled and after a while people would say, ‘That’s a lil gang.’ and that’s how it came about. As far as the real street stuff, sellin dope and all that. you see em and you’re like, ‘That’s how ya’ll gettin money?’ And they like, ‘Yea, here you go’ and you just ease into it and from there you just in it. My father, he was that guy in the street. You didn’t mess with him so we already had that label on us. We did lil dumb stuff as kids, throwin rocks at cars and going in random neighborhoods fightin. I started pretty young and I was one of the youngest people in the group. It just happened.
I didn’t plan on becoming a father. I was a teenager. That was the happiest moment of my life like ok, you got a baby. I got something, this is mine, this is for me and it was a baby girl, so now it’s like, I got a daughter. I don't know what it was... it was like a feeling of love like I had never had before. People loved me, but that feeling of love was like yea… this is whats up. I didn't get no bad from it because I knew, I’m gonna take care of her one way or another. She’s gon be alright. I was thinking that because I was in the streets. At that time, my lifestyle and how I thought didn’t change due to fatherhood. I was out there, out there. In fact, I probably went harder in the streets so she was well taken care of.
Growing up, my kids had everything but I would always make them think I had a job and I was working. I would be gone all day and say I got paid on certain days. My thought was that I was keeping the street part away from them. I figured out I had to do something different when my daughter was like 13. She said, ‘Daddy, you know whe know what you do, right?’ And I said, ‘What you mean?’ She said, ‘We know what you do.’ By that time, people would talk to em and say stuff and I said, I gotta do something different. I don’t want them to say, ‘My daddy is the dope man.’ That’s when the seed was planted to change. But the last time I was in jail, I was 33 or 34-years-old. I had faced 20 years plenty of times before and this time I was only in there for a couple months but I said, you gotta do somethin better than this. I got out and said I’m cool, I’m done. I thought… you smart, gifted, made it out of plenty of situations where you could’ve been dead or in jail for the rest of your life. You’re 34, in the streets doing street shit. Do somethin better. I seen them and said, I can’t let them see this example.
The relationship with my kids definitely changed a lot when I came out of jail this last time. Before, it was whatever you wanted. Spoiled. You always got your way. To go from that to me saying, I can get you somethin when I get paid… I think that part right there, dealing with that was the hardest part. They didn’t understand my lifestyle changed so all they saw was daddy is saying no now and certain kids’ mothers wasn't gettin stuff anymore. I think it strained the relationship with the girls a lot and the boys understood a bit more. Before, say some Jordans or somethin came out. I would send em with money to go buy the shoes, outfit... go do whatever. I can’t give you that now. As far as the choice between living my life right and going back to the streets, that was one of the hardest things that kept me on the line. There were times where I thought, fuck this… I can just go make this one call and easily get back in and financially my whole life could change. That was the biggest fight. As far as me, I didn't worry about it but dealing with my kids needs was hard. Now, I talked to them and they understand more. Especially with my oldest daughter… especially with her own personal growth.
Derrick Jr. was 18-years-old when he passed. He was breaking in someone’s house and they were home and he was shot. He had been doing it. A few months before he had just gotten out of boys school… breaking into homes, had a gun and some weed. He was supposed to be gone for 18 months and I wish they would’ve just kept him for that time instead of letting him out early. He was in juvenile before then. I used to tell him all the time that I didn’t like him doing it. I probably wasn’t as active pushing him to stop because I felt like there wasn’t much I could do to stop him because at that point he was 18. I would tell him, you could be doing so much other stuff. I don’t think I did as much as I should. I responded to him as if I would to myself at that age. When I was his age, I was doing that same thing. I know if I would’ve been aggressive, tried to whoop him… I thought he would’ve just rebelled, so I talked to him and hoped he would change his ways. Just talk good to him and maybe this is just a spell he’s going through in the streets… you know young, around his friends and stuff. He’ll grow out of it in time. I know him and he’s just kinda going through it. We didn't have that time. I remember everything about that day. His mom called me at 4:28 a.m. on a Tuesday morning. She said the police called and I knew in my mind, they don’t call at 4:00 a.m. even if he’s locked up. I went to his mom house and then somewhere else and something said go downtown. It’s funny because I had just moved into my new place we were supposed to be living together. I went on downtown. I knew but I’m still like, nah. The detective took me into a room and that's when they told me.
Truthfully, I run from it. I haven’t dealt with it because some of it I feel like its my fault. Everything he did and went to jail for mirrored me to the tee. The first time he was locked up and what he went to jail for… he was watching me and I made it out but he didn’t. The guilt… you should’ve been a better father, set a better example… all those feelings so I just run, stay busy because it’s hard to accept that he’s really not here. He was cool, always collected, you never saw him frustrated or mad, going off cussin. He was smart as hell, super smart. I could go on and on… he was funny, weird and random in his own way. Everybody was attracted to him when he came around.
Things my children taught me is to live how I want to live. Just live your life because even now, I sit back and they just do them. They don't worry about what people are saying and like me, I always had a big problem with insecurity and how people thought about me. I watch them and they just them. I don’t have it but they do. That’s one thing I picked up from them. They showed me how to love. Like really, really love. If I wouldn’t have had them, I wouldn’t be able to unconditionally love someone because I never had it. It’s so much that comes from that… just being open. I didn’t care about myself like that prior to fatherhood. I didn’t think I’d live past 25 but they showed me how to love myself enough to see past that.
Fatherhood means everything to me. It’s my whole point of being here now. Fatherhood is my lifeline. If I didn’t have other kids, after losing Derrick, Jr. I probably wouldn't be here now, just being honest. It’s nothing that’s more important to me than showing them what I feel I should show them.
